end of a year

So last night found me at a party with all my neighbours, watching the kids run wild, drinking champagne and chatting about how fucking hard and full on this year has been and how we're ready to see the back end of it.

This morning with a clearer head I find my self thinking and reflecting on my year.  And yes.  I can honestly say it has been one of the hardest of my life.  Also one of the most amazing.  

The year started by packing up our home, saying goodbye to friends and moving many kilometres south to Newcastle.  I solo parented for a few months while my beloved finished up work contracts and was thrown headfirst into new house chaos, new school, new friends.  I had to start completely fresh with my business and starting over is a really, really hard slog.  My relationship went through a very down cycle, taking a lot of effort and work to bring it back on track.  At times I have felt crushing loneliness.  I have felt like we made the hugest mistake of our lives.  I fantasised about selling up and buying a cabin in the woods. 

My first apprentice year has also come to a close and I am profoundly grateful on how that is continually changing my life.  I have dived deep into my wounded self and keep having those wounds shown to me.  I have become able to see the wounding, and not react, but respond.  In a healed way, usually.  Sometimes in the wounded way.   The daily showing up has been a blessing and a struggle.  

I feel like a woman transformed after my vision quest.  Transformations are not easy.  Becoming a new person, new name, new hair even, has been a challenge when negotiating the newness of our lives here.  I struggle to explain the hugeness of what I went through and end up sometimes with a flippant remark about changing my name, which in reality was a scared calling.

I find myself still hiding parts of my witchy self.  I keep a bit of her in the broom closet, and test her slowly with new people.  Terrified of being rejected for being me.  But the strength grows through the challenges, so i get stronger and braver and better.

It's been a big year of physical body struggles.  pain in my sacrum, twisted ankles, feeling let down and held back by my body and recognising that the last mindset pattern of my youth to overcome is the pattern of my physicality.  The pattern of the whisp who is physically weak, who hates exercise, who can't do the physical.  I am committing myself to breaking those patterns this year.  it's time to let go of the final shards of my old self and be completely reborn.  Remembering who she was, and how she grew me, but not getting caught in her old ways.

So much gold in a year that felt rather dark.

So much support from my tribe of Mermaid sisters, who continually show me what true, deep, intimate sisterhood is about.  From my man, who kept the home fires burning while I spent a lot of time away.  My beautiful kids, who missed me and struggled in my absence but who catch me crying and remind me to breathe and rub my back.  I am actually blessed beyond words to have such a life.

So was it such a bad year? a hard year.  a year of growth. a year a transformation. a year full of gold.  and I give thanks for every lesson. for even tear, every hug, every trigger, every kind word. 

And I wish you all loving reflections of how your year was and a sweet and wonderful holiday season.